Knitting with only one needle

Eventually, a constant haze of drowsiness and headaches and general inability to feel awake or alert obscures the discontented edginess. It’s still there if you listen closely, but the overall effect feels numbed. Your body is just a bit too tired to react to it quite so much. I think it must be an effect of feeling continually on edge. It’s draining. At this time last year I described these exact same symptoms – lots of anxiety and then an eventual crash – and attributed them (probably wrongly) to transient stresses at the time. I even used the justification that I seemed to have depleted my body’s stress response to introduce more stress!

The more you think about it the worse it gets, which feels utterly stupid, because it’s very difficult not to think about it, and then makes it seem like it’s your fault.

What is also stupid is how illogical it is that this is worse now than it has been in the past. My life is better now than it has ever been! I have a nice and stable job, no financial woes, my (physical) health is fine and my fitness is better than it has ever been (I ran 10k on Saturday). Not only am I doing better than most people, I am doing better than most of my other selves!

AND YET.

And yet this is still a feeling I experience. And feelings are the extent of my reality.

I find the transience most disorientating. When It’s bad, you feel like you’re trapped in an eternity. When it eases, it seems so distant that you wonder if it was ever real.

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