work

is what I am doing tomorrow.

I’m not feeling terribly enthusiastic about it. Mostly, I am feeling apathetic. Which has been my default state for as long as I can remember. For me, life is a constant struggle against apathy, depression and anxiety. I’ve spent the last few months finding existence difficult due to feeling anxious and depressed, which I ascribed to not having a job. Except, I always knew, if I was honest, that not having a job had nothing to do with it, it’s actually just because that’s the way my brain works and always has. It produces chemicals or processes that don’t make me feel good, and as a result I find a lot of things very difficult. That’s about all there is to it. It would adapt to any situation or circumstance in much the same way.

All I’ve really learnt is that exercise doesn’t really help depression. Going outside for a walk doesn’t help. Going outside for a 5 mile run doesn’t help. None of that stuff helps. It relieves it temporarily. An hour after you finish, it’s all the same. It’s weird to feel the oscillations, to ride the relief knowing it’s all so temporary.

Now that I have a job, guess what; no sudden feeling of relief. Because that never really bothered me. My feelings are quite the opposite. I have the strange but familiar mix of anxiety and apathy. I think that sooner or later my brain just shuts down into apathy for a while. And I seem to have become very conscious of the passage of time. Sometimes it can’t pass fast enough. Sometimes it’s scarily fast. But it always progresses, whether or not I do too.

All that I really take away from this is that my brain did not evolve for modern life.

edit: it’s interesting that WordPress suggest I should tag this with “mental-health”. It’s funny how mental health is such a construct that the only time we talk about it is when we don’t have it. Is there anything else that works like that?

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