Work has suddenly become a lot more busy. I’ve been moved onto a project which is in a bit of a state. It’s been a stressful experience so far due to the subtle lack of a calm and considered approach from higher up. The main problem is the MD wants to be programming it himself, but isn’t, so instead he’s micromanaging the actual programming and getting incredibly excited about exploring things, which results in priorities that change literally by the minute. It’s been a few years since I last worked on one of the MD’s projects and I forgot he was like this. I’m fairly sure he’s got worse. He makes it difficult to use your own judgement because he tends to prescribe things in great detail, which he’s not always best placed to understand. So you have to go with his approach, even if you can see it’s not the best idea, because it’s easier to try his approach and then show him the resulting problems than it is to convince him we should be doing something else. I spent two days this week not really achieving anything, despite it being urgent, because the MD has very vague but very strong ideas about what he wants to achieve and how he wants to do it. Managing the MD is a skill in its own right. So I am finding this quite stressful. I am not handling it very well, really. Hopefully with some more practice…
The good news is that this stress doesn’t seem to have centred itself again around the Office Crush, which is something I sort of expected to happen. It didn’t make much sense a few weeks ago and I was worried that general stress was just latching onto her because stress is a strong feeling and she evokes strong feelings, but it hasn’t played out that way now. So I think I am ‘over’ her in as much as I still have a massive crush on her for reasons I don’t understand, but I’m no longer losing sleep over her. It still seems bizarre. Up until about six weeks ago I was beginning to wonder if I still had any romantic inclinations at all and then BAM, she wanders in and it turns out I do. Shame they aren’t directed at someone maybe a little bit closer to my age and not already taken.
So, yes, I still have a massive crush on her but I doubt she realises it because I am not really worrying about what I say to her. It seems to be happening much easier. Earlier this week we were talking about the (minor) earthquake and she mentioned that she remembered one from 2002 because it woke up her daughter who was a baby at the time. It rang a bell with me because I recall going to school the next morning and remembering that it had briefly woken me up only after a friend mentioned it. I told her this, because, being conscious of an age difference, the first thing you do is mention that you were still at school when she was a mum in her late 20s. I’m smooth like that.
Later on she said “you know, it makes me feel really old that you were still at school then”. I paused and eventually went with “Hmm, yep, I was, there’s no way around that one”, while grinning sheepishly because I felt I’d backed myself into a corner there. If I’d been more diplomatic I could have tried a “oh you’re not old”. It was almost an invitation. Maybe it was because I apparently declined that invitation to be polite that caused her to burst into giggles when I gave my fairly lame response. Maybe I delivered it just right. Maybe it was just absurd. I don’t know. But she found it hilarious, so somehow, completely unintentionally, I got the best reaction that I could. Far better than had I gone with a more careful response. So that’s good. It’s exactly how things should be working. And it’s also an interesting point that I should just be me and not shy away from these things. Yep, there’s an age difference, I’m not going to impress her much by pretending there isn’t.
She is a bit of a mystery in some ways. I am finding out bits about her relationship, so of course I’m trying to gauge how secure it is and unfortunately (for me) I think the answer is very secure. But I’m a bit confused by the chronology of it. She has a 7 year old son who she talks about as if he’s from her current partner, but (uh oh, Google snooping alert) she was still using her married name less than two years ago but uses her maiden name today. She wears what looks like an engagement ring… why wait so long after divorcing/separating to revert to her maiden name, especially if she’s going to get re-married, and why would two people wait 7 years after having a child to get married? I haven’t figured out an explanation that ties up all of that in a satisfying way, so it seems to be a case of choosing what I prefer to be unsatisfied by. The fact that there is a 9 year gap between her two children does lend credence to the idea that they are with different men, but the married/maiden name doesn’t make much sense in that case. I could try delving deeper on the online front but I’ve decided to set a self imposed limit there. It’s inconsequential, I’m just incredibly curious for obvious reasons.