If I expected anything to cause me problems with running it would be my foot, but my most recent problem has been completely unpredictable. It’s my stomach. At the risk of giving far too much information, there have been two instances in the last two weeks where the morning after an evening run I’ve had a visible amount of unusually dark colouration in something that should not have a visible amount of unusually dark colouration. Dr Google suggests it’s likely to be bleeding somewhere in my upper digestive tract, which seems a bit alarming. The first time it happened I brushed it off as a one off, but now it’s happened twice I’ve got myself a doctor’s appointment because I’d quite like to not die.
I don’t have any other definite symptoms but there are a few things I’ve noticed. Recently there have been a few times when the day after a run I’ve felt a little bit ill. Sometimes I have felt a little bit light-headed (although not while running). Then there’s also the fact that over the past few months I’ve unintentionally lost a few pounds and I’m not managing to put them back on. And last but not least my sex drive disappeared a while back and hasn’t reappeared yet. None of which are particularly interesting by themselves but put them in the context of the first paragraph and maybe they are. Maybe it’s been going on for a while in a less detectable fashion and I’m gradually becoming anaemic, which would explain these ‘secondary’ symptoms.
But I have to say that I’m not particularly worried. I’ll be surprised if it’s something serious. Inconvenient, maybe, but not serious.
The other thing in my life is of course The Office Crush, which I’ve not really written about for a while. A quick summary of this is that I am doing a lot better with it. I’ve lost most of the stress from it. It’s still going nowhere, she still has a fiancée, blah blah blah, and I know all this, but I still enjoy being around her. I decided to exercise some self control this week and try to chase after her attention a bit less. It went well, mainly because she still gave it to me anyway. But I don’t really understand why I did it. Sometimes I feel hesitant to indulge in her attention too much because either I feel like I shouldn’t, or because I don’t want her to think I’m too interested in her. I find her quite hard to read in the sense that I don’t know if she thinks it’s strange how much attention I give her… because, objectively, a 30 year old man giving a 43 year old woman a lot of personal attention is a bit unusual and by now she should really have a few suspicions as to why… but I did get a smile out of her when she first saw me this morning, so maybe she enjoys it. It’s an ongoing conundrum for me to try to keep sight of the middle ground.
A notable thing is how different I feel when she is around and when she’s not. She worked from home on Thursday. I felt bored, demotivated and I just spent the day wondering why I was there. I was working on a broad, ambiguous task that hadn’t really interested me and instead of figuring out the ambiguity and seeking clarification from my manager I spent most of the day on the internet. On Friday she was back in and I was completely the opposite. Not only is she the highlight of my day, she is also the main reason I feel for going to work. When she’s not there, I wonder why I am. Not a very healthy situation, but I suppose a lot of people find work incredibly dull and only really enjoy the social side of it.